


throne of bones

by Rlillies



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, OR SELFHARM, Self-Hatred, actually, just dont read this, please dont read this if you are easily triggered by eating disorders, this is the authors way to cope with personal stuffff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27476395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rlillies/pseuds/Rlillies
Summary: Ellie doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to eat. She knows she is safe now, she knows that she can’t get to her anymore, she knows that Dina has forgiven her. She knows that her life is good now. So why the hell does she have this need to be obsessive and unwilling to even touch food. Dina has been the only one that has been able to actually get her to eat, and even then they were just nibbles of even smaller meals, just enough that she didn’t die.---please read the tags and read at your own discretion.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Kudos: 37





	throne of bones

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from 'please eat' by nicole dollanganger

Ellie doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to eat. She knows she is safe now, she knows that  _ she _ can’t get to her anymore, she knows that Dina has forgiven her. She knows that her life is  _ good  _ now. So why the hell does she have this need to be obsessive and unwilling to even touch food. Dina has been the only one that has been able to actually get her to eat, and even then they were just nibbles of even smaller meals, just enough that she didn’t die. 

When she arrived at the doors of Jackson, emaciated and knocking on death's door, she was dragged to the med and subsequently Dina who was back to working shifts on the med-team. Ellie only registered Dina’s surprised and then  _ furious  _ look on her face before she passed out, from what? Ellie still doesn’t know, it could have been infection, blood loss from her stitches, or exhaustion and hunger. She doesn’t really care enough to ever figure out though. 

When she woke back up and saw that one of their  _ precious and valuable  _ IV tubes was pumping life back into her wanted to sob right there. Her dehydration didn’t allow for actual tears to come out but she sat there in the middle of the night dry sobbing. 

_ She’s useless. She doesn’t deserve this care from Jackson. She doesn’t deserve to live. She doesn’t deserve these resources that they are  _ wasting  _ on her.  _

Her frail body was too weak to even try and pull the IV tube out. She tried and tried, her hand shaking while trying to grasp the tiny needle that was in her arm, unable to grab a hold of it. 

She lets out a louder sob, unable to cope with rampant thoughts running around her brain. Ellie can’t remember what else happened that night, she thinks that Dina ran in and rushed to comfort her. But she also thinks she saw Joel, and she knows that isn’t true so she is unsure on what was real. 

Ellie sucks in a breath, regretting thinking about that first week she came back. She hates thinking about the disappointed looks that Dina gave her, the anger from Tommy when she told him that she didn’t do it, the pity from Maria, what hurt the worst was that JJ. Her little baby JJ didn’t remember her and cried the first few times he saw her. Dina said that he was teething and that’s why he cried but Ellie doubts that, she knows it's because he doesn’t remember who his  _ Momma  _ was. Knows that he was  _ scared _ of her. 

Her right hand comes up to scratch at her left arm, to pick at the healed over scars on her fingers. Subconsciously trying to feel  _ something _ . 

She feels her stomach claw at her, feeling as if is coming up and out of her throat. Ellie doesn’t know when this became a comforting feeling. A feeling as if she has succeeded in life. She doesn't like it, she hates that she feels this way but she doesn’t know how to make it  _ stop. _

She doesn’t want to waste Jackson’s resources however, she isn’t worth them. She doesn’t deserve the venison that some hunter killed, she doesn’t deserve the veggies that someone planted and took care of. She doesn’t deserve the bed that Dina has given her in the spare bedroom, a bed that she barely uses because she falls asleep on the couch or in Dina’s arms. 

Dina is confused, she doesn’t know why she won’t accept help. Why she won’t accept the sympathy and love that she is trying to give her. Ellie doesn’t know either, she just knows that she doesn’t want to be a burden. She doesn’t want to  _ weigh  _ Dina down. 

  
The worst thing is that Ellie likes to see her body change, she likes to see her body grow  _ weak _ . She likes that her thighs become smaller, the muscle and fat wasting away. She likes that her wrists are so tiny that when she wraps her fingers around her wrist that there is a gap. She likes that she can count her ribs when she looks in the mirror. 

**Author's Note:**

> ahahahaa i dont know why i decided to write this in less than an hour, other than i need to write something to get these feelings out so uh... sorry ellie you are my current comfort character so that means i hurt you. sorry babe


End file.
